Theological study prepares you for many issues in life. Through my Ph.D. studies, I have learned many arguments for the existence of God. I have learned how to defend the resurrection of Jesus Christ as a historical event. I have learned how the early church confronted heretical views. I have learned good and bad ways to understand how God speaks to us through His Son and through His Word. I have loved God hard with all my mind for the past 10 years.
Throughout the course of my study, one refrain was repeated in each course, in each book, and in most talks: Do not neglect loving God with the rest of your “self.” I constantly heard people say, “do not let this head knowledge stay head knowledge.” I also heard statements like “you should use what you’re studying for the church or else it’s useless.” While those have their place, I think they miss the mark. Loving God with all of your mind should cause you to love Him with all of your body, soul, and strength (Deut 6:5; Matt 22:37; Luke 10:27). As we love God more with our minds, our hearts should follow. There should not be able to be a disconnect. If the Holy Spirit is at work in you, the love of God with your mind and heart share that same Spirit. I can confidently say that through my studies, God has used my loving Him with my mind to cause me to love Him more with my heart and soul.
The individual I studied the most in my Ph.D. is John of Damascus (ca. AD 675-750). John lived at a tumultuous time in history. The new world power, the Islamic Arab nation, swept across the Middle East about 40 years before John was born. John ran the finances for Damascus for most of his adult life. When the government decided to pivot to a more exclusively Arabic identity, John retired to the monastery Mar Sabas outside of Jerusalem. It is here that John began to write extensively to his Christian brothers and sisters in the new Islamic Empire.
One of the things I appreciate about John of Damascus’ writing is that he wants to prepare his audience for what is coming. In John’s introductory work, known as the Dialectica, he prepares his audience to think clearly so they can present the truth to what he sees as the heretical teaching of Islam. Scholar Andrew Louth argues rightly that this is also John’s intention with his writing as a whole. Louth writes, “Presumably the purpose of the Dialectica, in John’s eyes, was to help novice theologians to think clearly and argue convincingly, abilities that are necessary to read On the Orthodox Faith profitably, and build on the positions set out in that treatise.”[1]
John wanted to provide his reader with a way to think clearly about the various theological issues that they would encounter in his writings. If John prepared his reader to thoroughly analyze his theological treatise, it would be clear that his intention was for them to properly understand Christian orthodoxy in anticipation that they would come across an argument that would challenge their Christian beliefs. If they understood the argument up front, it could help prevent them from falling astray. John similarly argues that “‘knowledge is the true knowledge of beings.’ Consequently, knowledge of what is not is not knowledge at all, but is simply ignorance.”[2] Knowing truth was critical to John’s apologetic against Islam and understanding Christianity in general. This meant that he wanted to present a clear, orthodox view of his theology so that his reader would be able to see error more clearly.
My years of study have been preparation for that expectedly unexpected challenge to my faith.
Sunday morning (12/3), my wife and I found out we were going to have another baby. We told our 3 kids about it. The older two (7 & 5) lit up with joy. Our youngest is 2, so he’s forgiven for running out of the room like a maniac. After church, where my wife and I exchanged many glances-especially when we were asked in Sunday School if there was anything new, the older two went to the craft store to pick out wax and scents to make candles for telling family on our trip at Christmas.
Our happiness changed quickly. Monday morning, my wife started to have bleeding. Pregnancy tests now read “negative.” By the end of the day, and a trip to urgent care and the ER, we no longer were going to have our 4th child. We lost our baby a mere 36 hours after finding out we were having our baby.
My older two are heartbroken. My wife and I are heartbroken. But my study has caused me to love God more with my mind and my heart. Those years of study have shown me that God is good. God is perfect. God works all things according to His plan (Eph 1:11) for His glory and my good (Rom 8:28), whether I can see that good immediately or at all in this life. The historical truth of the resurrection of Jesus means that we have hope in eternity. The truth of the “hypostatic union” of Christ’s two natures in one person means that the Son knows our pain. We can turn to the throne of grace and approach boldly because we serve a High Priest who knows our trials. We can turn to Him for grace in time of need (Heb 4:16). The one who created the universe sees me and my pain.
I know that God has my child in His hands in the same way that He has me and the rest of my family in His hands.
This does not change the fact that this time hurts. It hurts immensely. But I know that God has prepared me for this. He has grounded me in His truth and unfailing love. Knowing what I’ve laid out above does not change the fact that this hurts. But I don’t think it is supposed to. Pain is part of our experience because of sin. Yet, in spite of it, God uses it to His glory. God uses it to draw people to Himself.
I hurt right now, but I also have peace. I have peace in what I have studied for the past 10 years. I have peace in my Savior Jesus Christ. I pray that you would turn to Him and find peace too.
In Christ,
Andrew Hillaker, Ph.D.
[1] Louth, St John Damascene, 47.
[2] Louth, St John Damascene, 45.
Unity In Trinity 